JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
