I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
