Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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