when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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