I think I won the penis lottery.
You can't special order awesome
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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