You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize