Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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