Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
