Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
