I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
