I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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