When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
