if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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