Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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