Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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