ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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