I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize