i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
