Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize