I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
