You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
