guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I forget how to act sober
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