If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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