So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
