he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
