Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
