oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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