Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We have so much sex to catch up on
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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