True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
