# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
