they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
