This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
