there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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