Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
