they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
