I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Terrible idea I love it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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