I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.