Texts From Last Night

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  (415): View more from California

  WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!

  (650): View more from California

  LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!

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  (415): WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!! (650): LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops! http://tfl.nu/mj23
  Replies (4) Good night (1146) Bad night (907)
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  (310): View more from California

  i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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  (310): i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin. http://tfl.nu/cawx
  Replies (3) Good night (1418) Bad night (517)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls

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  (561): i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls http://tfl.nu/2rar
  Replies (20) Good night (3413) Bad night (832)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.

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  (417): He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets. (417): He's like the Bob Ross of love stains. http://tfl.nu/ts5r
  Replies (14) Good night (3599) Bad night (756)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

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  (224): Can you put "designated driver" on a resume? http://tfl.nu/qu7s
  Replies (8) Good night (4519) Bad night (940)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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  (402): your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me http://tfl.nu/38h8
  Replies (28) Good night (7398) Bad night (872)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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  (201): there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke http://tfl.nu/pyjl
  Replies (15) Good night (3139) Bad night (1186)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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  (+61): You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd. http://tfl.nu/nwi3
  Replies (16) Good night (4888) Bad night (922)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.

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  (937): They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks. http://tfl.nu/nsc0
  Replies (3) Good night (1809) Bad night (651)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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  (250): Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza. http://tfl.nu/3z2i
  Replies (9) Good night (1993) Bad night (780)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

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  (616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA. http://tfl.nu/4vpy
  Replies (9) Good night (1680) Bad night (558)
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  (650): View more from California

  That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.

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  (650): That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands. http://tfl.nu/y7oo
  Replies (2) Good night (291) Bad night (1045)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.

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  (360): I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar. http://tfl.nu/n37f
  Replies (0) Good night (331) Bad night (226)
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  (805): View more from California

  getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine

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  (805): getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine http://tfl.nu/rtlz
  Replies (3) Good night (346) Bad night (224)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.

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  (407): You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding. http://tfl.nu/z49c
  Replies (3) Good night (787) Bad night (320)

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