Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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