I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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