I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
