would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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