He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
