On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
