I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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