So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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