I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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