Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
