apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
