Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
