I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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