Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
