I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I need to stop coming to work sober
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
