:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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