Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
