Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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