I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
